Frequently Asked (Fake) Questions

Let's be serious, no one frequently asks any of the questions people put in their FAQs. Things About Us That We Think You Might Be Interested In Knowing would probably be more accurate, but TAUTWTYMBIIK just doesn't quite roll off of the tongue. So here's a bunch of questions that no one asked me but I'm answering anyway. Thhhhhbtbtbtbt.

What do you look like when you're not a disembodied head on the interweb?

I am 5' 7" tall, making me one of the taller women in my family (only my Aunt is taller). I have red hair, am covered in freckles and of a generally orange complexion. I have chronic bitchface a stern countenance that causes people to frequently ask me if I am angry.

So you're Irish, duh?

Err... yes, but truly I am an American Mutt. My father's surname is Irish (and that seems to be the lion's share of genes that I ended up with) and my mother's is French. I am also aware of Greek, Czech and possible Scottish and Swiss branches in my family tree.

What made you decide to write a blog?

I'm a narcissist and I think everyone should listen to what I have to say. I enjoy writing things that may be entertaining or helpful to others. And someone told me you could make money doing this crap. I'm feeling a little duped.

What kind of music do you listen to?

I'm supposed to say "everything but country" right? As a middle schooler I was all about grunge, then in highschool and college it was all punk rock. These days I'm finding that my ears have gotten old well ahead of the rest of me and most of that sounds like noise now.

My most recent playlist includes: Tom Waits, the Naked and Famous, the Ramones, Le Tigre, Teddybears, Beck, Nine Inch Nails, Spiderbait, Beastie Boys, Ludacris, Depeche Mode, She Wants Revenge, the Blood Brothers, Jurassic 5, Soul Coughing, Of Montreal and MGMT.

Where did you and Chef Boyfriend meet?

In a bar. He was the bartender. I was there to get shitfaced. The rest is history.

Are you going to make up a better story to tell your grandchildren?

Yes.

What's one thing you completely fail at?

I've never properly learned to do a lot of the things that people traditionally think of as feminine.

Things I absolutely cannot do: cartwheels, splits, braid my hair, apply liquid eyeliner or fake eyelashes, sew, knit, sing.

Things I can do very poorly: paint my own fingernails, shave (so. much. blood.), apply makeup, style my hair in a ponytail, dress myself, dance.

Why are you a vegetarian? DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'LL GET SICK AND DIE?!?!?!111

I've done this for 15 years and am almost certainly not dead (I suppose there's always a chance), so calling shenanigans on that myth, sorry! It's mostly a moral thing. I feel that as a privileged person who has access to a grocery store and does not need to chase her dinner with a pointy stick, it would be frivolous cruelty to kill animals just because they're yummy. Truth be told, even when I was a little Ginger I was never a big meat-eater, so it was a very easy change for me. I've also come to appreciate the health and environmental benefits of vegetarianism and it saves me a boatload of money. Fear not, meat eaters, I promise not to shame you. In fact, I rarely even talk about it.

What's up with your pets and those stupid names?

I think that Ziggy Doodlebean, Miss Audrey and Mister Squint McSquinterson are perfectly good names, thank you very much.

What's your worst habit?

I am an habitual snooze-bar-masher and I literally get out of bed 30 minutes before I have to walk out the house. That breaks down to a 10 minute shower, 15 minutes drying my hair, getting dressed and putting on makeup and 5 minutes whirling around the house collecting all the necessary paraphernalia and scrambling out the door. Chef Boyfriend enables me by making my breakfast and lunch so that I can hide under the covers just a few minutes longer.

Thanks to Mama's Losin' It for the writing prompt.